What I Know For Sure

A portrait of the writer through the lens of her personal codes and credos.

The following is a list of silly certainties that I take very seriously. I could try to explain why I connect with these 20 points on such a strong cellular level- I could emphasize birth order, astrology, personality charts, or hereditary inheritance- but, in a rare refusal to intellectualize, I really don’t want to take away from the magic of accepting that this is just the way I am wired. That we are who we are who we are, for both explainable and unexplainable reasons! And the list below is a reflection of who I am, who I have been, and most likely where I’m going- which for the most part I find very exciting.

So, unhesitatingly, and in no particular order:

1. Dairy is a non-negotiable. A beautiful life is built on butter, cheese, and heavy cream. Plus, all the alternative milks are straight up bad (and are altogether blasphemous when added to a perfectly good cup of coffee).

2. If you say something behind someone’s back, you also have to say it to their face. This entails sweet sentiments, encouraging affirmations, and compliments only, obviously.

3. Snake Oil is only Snake Oil if you don’t believe in the journey. Yes, the product itself may very well be snake oil. But the present joy I gain from looking at a pretty label on my shelf and the future hope I have that 4 drops of elixir will change my life is genuinely worth the extra money I’m spending. I’m buying an impermanent art installation for my medicine cabinet that also symbolizes a whimsical daydream for a better tomorrow! Is that not one of the most beautiful things a person could do?

4. No one is stopping you from ordering both drinks at the coffee shop. You’re torn between an 8 oz matcha and a 12 oz americano? Really? Even after Mary Oliver asked “what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” I’m pretty sure what she meant by that was why not get both?

   

5. Sitting in the very back row of the movie theater is the only place that makes practical viewing sense.

6. A supportive tube top is the staple of an ideal everyday outfit. When paired with pants or overalls and an oversized shirt (when it’s cold), I’m unstoppable. I’ve done my best to resist the lure of the tube top; I’ve tried to wear a sensible linen button up or lean more into dresses. It’s just no use: I’m most myself in a tube top.¹

   

7. NEVER throw away old journals, notes from loved ones, or sketchbooks. Even if you have truly deluded yourself into thinking you don’t care about it anymore, think of your future children! Your friends that are left behind when you die! They will want to read that shit!²

8. My support for snake oil aside, Dr. Jart+ Cryo Rubber face masks ARE THE REAL DEAL!! There are few greater pleasures than coming home from a long day in the sun or prepping for a night out by slapping one of these bad boys on- straight from the fridge- and letting it works its magic. I see results immediately after taking it off and my skin is glowing straight through to the next day. I have been singing the praises of the good Dr. Jart for so long now that I really should be made an ambassador.

   

   Pictured in a state of tube top / jarted out bliss

9. You should know your signature scent by the time you’re 30. If you don’t know it you’ve missed the Becoming A Woman cutoff.³

10. Getting presents (and giving them- I really mean that) is the simplest way to be transported back to the joy of being a child.

11. It’s nothing a long drive with a car coffee can’t fix.

12. Something’s Gotta Give is not the best rom-com ever made, but it is the best rom-com starring Jack Nicholson ever made. Something’s Gotta Give is eternally re-watchable. Something’s Gotta Give doesn’t waste a single scene. Something’s Gotta Give simply delivers! Want to reset your nervous system for at least the next three weeks? Dive into the white linen, the crisp interiors, and the so-natural-it’s-alarming charm of Jack & Diane (& Frances! & Keanu! & I have nothing to say about Amanda Peet!). Diane Keaton was rightfully nominated for an Academy Award for this scene alone:

13. Naked is Sacred!

14. You never need an excuse to buy (or pick) yourself a bouquet of flowers. An ever-rotating bouquet of flowers on your kitchen table is a staple of great home decor.

15. Everything is better when you’re tan or tanning. And if you’re near a body of water and can dunk in between sessions? That’s when life truly turns into a miracle again!

    

16. Life is best when lived in intentional, shoulder-to-shoulder community- both literally and metaphorically. I want to pop over to hang out with your toddler so you can get 30 minutes of alone time. I want to poke my head over the balcony when I hear you pass by below and ask if you have cream I can use for my morning coffee- I ran out. I want to be 5 minutes away from those I love at all times. And I need to be able to send this text and have someone that lives 40 steps away from me respond within 10 minutes:

    

17. Splurge! Money comes, money goes.⁴

18. Always have a film camera ready to go. Additionally, when you develop the photos, always get doubles (or triples) so that the people involved can savor the memory as well.

19. Having an affinity for celebrity isn’t vapid. It doesn’t bind you from intellect- it’s a sign of a multi-dimensional existence! The same goes for reality TV, skincare, and shopping- all things women are made to feel ashamed of for enjoying. Jacquelyn Novak and Kate Berlant are saying this better than I can:
    

    

20. The Horse Whisperer was robbed.⁵
    

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I’d love to know what your own varied and deeply-unique-to-you certainties are (not that I’m claiming that loving to tan is a unique trait). I want to know what opinions have colored your world for no other discernible reason than “that’s just the way I am! That’s just the way I like it!” Drop a comment if you want to share- we’re all so deliciously ourselves and I personally would love to revel in it.

1. Continuing to BEG the only tube top brand I really truly love to restock their bandeaus as soon as possible. Also begging my dear beloved friend to give me back that tube top I left at your house a year ago… don’t make me name names!!!

2. If, however, I die before my time- knock on wood- you do not have permission to read my journals until they have been proofread and deemed appropriate by Best Friend Carli.

3. NOTO rooted oil & some variation of coconut.

4. I didn’t title this list “Things I Know For Sure are Reliable, Healthy Life Decisions” for a reason.

5. I am seeing now that it was nominated for a Golden Globe, which is somehow even more insulting than nothing at all.